Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Randomize
