I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
