when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
worst lay ever....
as long as you cum, there is no bad sex
ya... thank god for condoms, I was able to fake it... I stand by my original statement
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
