I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
