I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
