just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Im just a social blackout drinker.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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