my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Randomize
