i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
