I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I just had a flashback to last nights party, I'm pretty sure I told most of the people there that I post a masturbation schedule for an iCal download.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
