Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
FUCK WHALES
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
