Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize