What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
then she made me sanitize my hands before fingering her...i may have found my soulmate
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
This Girl Got Ghosted By Her BF Of 5 Years While On A Trip They Took For Her Birthday
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
People Are Applauding Chrissy Teigen For Getting Candid About Breast-Pumping
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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