I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
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Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.