His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
