; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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