In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
