Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
