Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
