Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
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