I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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