he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
We left an ass print on the piano.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
