there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
On a completely different note: my hookup and i are now in a semester GPA competition. Winner gets froyo and sexual favors. School just got interesting.....
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
