fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
