i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
