Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Randomize
