she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
