Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
