I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Randomize
