her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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