she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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