STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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