this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
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