tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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