Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
this boner is exhausting
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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