I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
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