I think I won the penis lottery.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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