why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Randomize
