So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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