He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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