im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
we should paint friendship bongs
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