I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
