How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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