I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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