If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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