I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
