i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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