Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
