i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Randomize
