I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
