He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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