Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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