I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
