I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
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