Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Randomize
