my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
