I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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