yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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