That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
